The Five Love Languages of Children

1. Observe how your child expresses love to you.

Chapman and Campbell: Watch your child; he may well be speaking his own language. This is particularly true of a young child, who is very likely to express love to you in the language he desires most to receive.

I've seen this with my own 4 1/2 year old. Noah will come up to me or my husband, and try to engage us in a wrestling match. Or he'll pat our arms, give us a hug, etc. He has shown us that his main love language is that of Physical Touch!

2. Observe how your child expresses love to others.

If you notice your child making crafts for relatives, or wanting to take presents to classmates or teacher, this may indicate that her primary love language is Gifts.

3. Listen to what your child requests most often.

If your child often asks you questions like "How do I look, Mommy?", "What do you think of my drawing?", or "Did you think I did well at practice today?", this pattern may indicate that his love language is Words of Affirmation.

4. Notice what your child most frequently complains about.

Frequent complaints such as "You never have time for me", "Why don't you play games with me?", or "We never do things together" would be indicative of the need for Quality Time.

5. Give your child a choice between two options.

Chapman and Campbell suggests to lead your child to make choices between two love language. For example, a Dad might say to his son, "I have some free time Saturday. Would you like me to fix your bike, or would you rather go to the park together and shoot some hoops?". The choice is between Acts of Service and Quality Time. A mother may say, "I have some time tonight. Would you like to go shopping, and I'll help you pick out a new outfit, or would you rather stay home and we'll do a puzzle together?" You've given her the choice between Gifts and Quality Time.

Chapman and Campbell explain: As you give options for several weeks, keep a record of your child's choices. If most of them tend to cluster around one of the five love languages, you have likely discovered which one makes your child feel most loved. At times, your child will not want either option, and will suggest something else. You should keep a record of those requests also, since they may give you clues.

Of course, the choices you offer your child will depend on age and interest.

I highly recommend this book for understanding your child's own unique love languages, and how you can better fill his or her "love tank"!


Adds another dimension to communicating effectively   July 25, 2001
Nature Mom w/ 2 children + EE & Management degrees (Massachusetts USA)
96 out of 98 found this review helpful

This outstanding book addresses how each child (adults as well) expresses and receives love best through one of five primary "languages" - quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, or physical touch. Although children need to be spoken to in each of these love languages, there's one love language that meets their deepest emotional needs and should be used often with them (and authors caution how you use that language for discipline). The information in this book complements books that address communicating with children based on their temperament (such as "Raising your Spirited Child" and "Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka). I also appreciate that the author included an informative chapter on "love languages in marriage", instead of just a one-liner encouraging readers to buy his book dedicated to that subject.

Bottom line - Even if you've read tons of parenting books, you will truly learn something new from this one - something to enhance your relationship with your child and adults in your life. You'll probably even learn something about yourself.


Revolutionary Parenting Advice!   March 15, 2000
48 out of 48 found this review helpful

This book has revolutionised the way I communicate with, and discipline my children. Within the space of three days my three year old has gone from being difficult for me to deal with to being a pleasant child who responds to discipline in a positive manner. Our home has become more of a haven than a battlefield! Learning to communicate with my children in their primary love language has been the BEST thing that has happened to my parenting, and to their self esteem. I would highly recommend this book to any parent of young children. I will certainly be re-reading it through the years of their lives.


Hope for rekindling love between parent and child.   May 4, 1998
cherish.the.children@worldnet.att.net (Mena, Arkansas)
35 out of 35 found this review helpful

I am an LPC with specialization in play therapy. I work with wounded families daily. I have just completed reading this text and believe it to be exceptionaly valuable in helping parents build and rebuild damaged parent/child relationships. I am purchasing multiple copies to provide to my families. This book will help them in many ways that I am unable to due to time constraints. My only concern is that the text is more directed to a middle/upper class population. Some suggestions of activities require money (i.e. "take a child out to breakfast" - some of my families are lucky if they have breakfast.) that most of my families do not have. Over all, I believe that, if taken seriously, families who make an effort to follow its message, will heal wounds that will affect generations of their family to come.


One Of The VERY BEST Parenting Books Around!!!   July 8, 2002
Kelly (Kennesaw, GA United States)
34 out of 34 found this review helpful

I read this book to try and get some ideas to help us deal with our three year old who was having a "difficult phase". I'd read over a dozen other "discipline" books and all of them were useless [except "Playful Parenting", which was also fantastic]. Thank Goodness I found this one! It was *tremendously* helpful! I can't recommend this book enough - the 5 love languages WORK - reading this book has truly helped me become a better mother and has had an extremely beneficial impact on my daughter's behavior and our relationship.

While this book is recommended more for older children, I think ANY parent could benefit from reading and implementing the ideas. Using the suggestions in the book to ensure that your child is receiving the love s/he needs will help build a better relationship no matter what the child's age or the parental circumstances.

The only complaint I had about the book was the chapter towards the end on "anger" - it is very poorly written and terribly confusing. I'm still not sure what the heck it was supposed to be about. But with that brief exception, this is a PHENOMENAL book that has the power to help you vastly improve your relationship with your child/ren.

I also recommend "The Five Love Languages" [for couples] too - a strong relationship with your partner is a precious gift for your child/ren. This book was GREAT for our marriage! Our happy family owes Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell a HUGE Thank You!