The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert

Gottman, the director of the Gottman Institute, has found through studying hundreds of couples in his "love lab" that it only takes five minutes for him to predict--with 91 percent accuracy--which couples will eventually divorce. He shares the four not-so-obvious signs of a troubled relationship that he looks for, using sometimes amusing passages from his sessions with married couples. (One standout is Rory, the pediatrician who didn't know the name of the family dog because he spent so much time at work.)

Gottman debunks many myths about divorce (primary among them that affairs are at the root of most splits). He also reveals surprising facts about couples who stay together. They do engage in screaming matches. And they certainly don't resolve every problem. "Take Allan and Betty," he writes. "When Allan gets annoyed at Betty, he turns on ESPN. When Betty is upset with him, she heads for the mall. Then they regroup and go on as if nothing's happened. Never in forty-five years of marriage have they sat down to have a 'dialogue' about their relationship." While this may sound like a couple in trouble, Gottman found that they pass the love-lab tests and say honestly that "they are both very satisfied with their relationship and they love each other deeply."

Through a series of in-depth quizzes, checklists, and exercises, similar to the ones he uses in his workshops, Gottman provides the framework for coping with differences and strengthening your marriage. His profiles of troubled couples rescued from the brink of divorce (including that of Rory, the out-of-touch doctor) and those of still-happy couples who reinvigorate their relationships are equally enlightening. --Erica Jorgensen

Product Description
John Gottman has revolutionized the study of marriage by using rigorous scientific procedures to observe the habits of married couples in unprecedented detail over many years. Here is the culmination of his life's work: the seven principles that guide couples on the path toward a harmonious and long-lasting relationship. Packed with practical questionnaires and exercises, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is the definitive guide for anyone who wants their relationship to attain its highest potential.

Good marriages don't necessarily have less conflicts than bad ones. Gottman gets under the surface and digs into such deeper issues as the maintaining of HONOR and RESPECT for your partner in the heat of all-too-common battles. Along the way he punches holes in a lot of marriage-counseling paradigms. In short, this book can improve a good marriage (or any similiar commitment between two people), heal a salvagable one, or explain why a bad one got to or beyond the point of no return. Or even serve as a form of CRUCIAL pre-marital counseling.

My question, why isn't there a mandatory course in marriage at the high school level that incorporates Gottman's research? Wouldn't the knowledge gained be of as much or more importance than any other accumulated as teenagers head into adulthood? I consider topics such as those raised by Gottman to be of enormous value for my daughters to read (and discuss!) when they reach their mid-teens...better too early than too late!


Finally, something that works! Saved our 27 yr. marriage   August 30, 1999
100 out of 102 found this review helpful

The book is based upon scientific research, not oppinion. A VERY positive book. It gave us real hope. Not just another 'feel good' pop-psych book. It takes you inside the conflicts of real couples, and reveals the four marriage-killers, and the seven, very do-able skills to aquire to make a marriage work. I've read a lot of books trying to save my marriage. Some of them had some good things that truely helped. But it wasn't enough help. It never got to the root of the problem, and it left us both feeling like 'we have to completely change ourselves if we want to stay married'. Following the principles outlined in this book is FAR easier and FAR more effective than most other books I've read.


Practicing psychologist loves Dr. Gottman's work   June 15, 2000
61 out of 63 found this review helpful

In my work as a psychologist for the last 14 years, marital problems are a most common presenting problem. They are usually most painful for clients, and most difficult for the mental health professional to treat. Yet, as one reviewer noted, most therapists really don't seem to know what to do! I agree, as I always ask my clients if they've previously seen a professional about marital problems, and whether it was helpful. Most give lukewarm responses at best. This is usually not because of the therapist's incompetence, but because of lack of proper training/continuing education. Unfortunately, many people then mistakenly assume that their relationship is doomed to fail. Not necessarily true! Any couple who has been dissatisfied with therapy might want to try either reading Dr. Gottman's book on their own, finding a psychologist or therapist who uses Dr. Gottman's work, or finding a therapist who is willing to learn it with them! In my experience, his work is simply the best, and it is based on a huge database of clinical experience with real people. Couples need an explanation of what is wrong, and specific, usable guidance about what to do. Dr. Gottman's work fits the bill perfectly. And, of course, even if you've never been in therapy or even considered it, the book is still quite useful. For those who are really into it, his students Dr.Howard Markman and Dr. Clifford Notarius have written some very useful books along the same lines. All three men have been on national television discussing these ideas. of course, their book are not aimed at people with such problems as continuing abuse or drug/alcohol problems. But for an ailing marriage or relationship, nothing beats his work or that of his students. I'm sure the books of Drs. Markman and Notarius available on Amazon.com. Good luck!


Filled with tools my wife & I use to strengthen our marriage   September 12, 2003
Kevin A. Decker (Charlotte, NC)
36 out of 36 found this review helpful

As a relationship and romance author, speaker, and coach I read a lot of books about dating, marriage, and romance. "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" is one of my top 10 favorites. The seven principles identified through Gottman's research are powerful and when coupled with the exercises that are included you get practical tools to strengthen your marriage.

The first two chapters give you an insight into where the book is coming from. The information gleened from the Seattle Love Lab gives you hope for a successful marriage and identifies key warning signs for trouble in your relationship.

The next seven chapters cover the principles in depth with skill building exercises to enhance your proficiency in each area. First is building a foundation with "Love Maps." Next is developing a compassion and caring with "Fondness and Admiration." Chapter 5 focuses on creating an intimate relationship by looking to your partner for help, support, and answers. Giving a higher value and priority to your partner follows allowing you to be influenced by them. The next three chapters cover problems in the marriage and how to handle them. Work, money, in-laws, [physical attraction], housework, and a new baby are the big six areas of conflict. Some problems are solvable and some not. How you handle the conflict is key. Next the book covers"Overcoming Gridlock" or creating a dialogue and point of acceptance for unsolvable problems. The final chapter is really about creating a shared vision for the marriage and the future of it.

The benefits of marriage are well documented; longer life, more money, healthier children, and better [physical activity]. "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" gives you a practical guide for achieving those benefits, and more!