Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

The answer was in "Boundaries". As I read the book, I could identify with something in every chapter. I'm the type of person who will let everyone else step all over me to keep themselves happy. As long as I didn't raise a ruckus, and the peace was kept, everything was okay, right? WRONG! Inside I was always seething with anger, and I was livid with the fact that I had to continually step out of the way for everyone else while they ran right over me.

Through reading this book, I realized that it's OK to set boundaries in all interactions; in fact, I now believe that it would be wrong NOT to set boundaries in things. Slowly but surely, with the help from this book's message, I've been setting boundaries for a happier life that's filled with more peace, joy, and abundance than ever.


Boundaries Are Not Barriers   November 30, 2005
30307 (Atlanta, GA United States)
94 out of 98 found this review helpful

This book is highly recommended. It's one of the most valuable purchases I've ever made.

Saying we should not set boundaries is saying that we should not be human. Traffic lights are boundaries. Laws are boundaries. Work hours are boundaries. Marriages are boundaries. Bounced checks are boundaries. Prisons are boundaries. Locked car doors are boundaries. Those reviewers who argue against setting boundaries are themselves, most assuredly, setting and respecting boundaries every day of their life. So let's be honest here. Let's not live in ivory tower concepts, twice removed from reality.

None of us is Jesus. If we were Jesus, we would not need Him to begin with. Codependency is * not * Christian love. Being a doormat is not spiritual. One cannot expand boundaries if one does not know how to set boundaries to begin with. This book is about learning to do just that. Boundary-setting is about being authentic to your own heart: "I am a child of God, and my feelings do matter here. I am being led to do this, even though it may contradict what you desire me to do." Do people sometimes bristle at the truth? You bet! It's human to want our desires fed, even if it is at another person's expense. It's not pretty; it's human. That's why we need boundaries.

In my experience, failing to set boundaries was a form of people-pleasing, and people-pleasing was a form of unconscious deception and false idol worship. I tried for many years to be a "good girl." That got great reviews. Never mind that I usually did things for other people without checking to see if it was what God was instructing me to do. Instead, my impulse came from selfish reasons, "I'll do this for you. Don't I look good? Now do you approve of me? If you do, then maybe I can approve of myself." What rubbish! My behavior was not motivated by Christ. My behavior was motivated by refined selfishness.

You see, I wasn't interested in you. I was interested in what you could give me: your approval. I was an approval junkie, and I was no more morally superior than a drug addict, no matter how much praise my actions brought me. I was worshipping a false idol -- the approval of others over God's direction -- and that false god failed me time & time again. Sorry folks. That's not Christian love. No wonder I hurt all the time! God never intended for me to be dishonest and unhappy. God never intended for me to get my worth from man.

Now that I've begun to listen to my heart, I am learning to tell the truth to myself and to others. I am learning to accept my limitations -- be humble -- and learning to be balanced. The truth does indeed set you free. This process has brought me what I never got from others' approval. It brought me the fruits of the spirit: joy and peace. It has also made my relationships with others more genuine and peaceful. People do approve of me, now, but it's the * real * me. That's how I know that this book teaches principles of truth.

Incidentally, it's wrong to hate people as you are setting boundaries. That's not what this book is proposing. Your intention in setting boundaries does matter here. Setting boundaries in and of itself is not the problem.

In addition to this book, I highly recommend Joyce Meyer's CD set, "Approval Addiction," as well as the CD set, "The Disease to Please."


Excellent Self-Help Guide for men & women of all ages   October 10, 1999
DAWN STERN (Pennsylvania, USA)
75 out of 80 found this review helpful

I found Boundaries to be extremely helpful to me and my family. The authors point to Biblical references for boundary development & enforcement. The authors also illustrate real-life examples of people who have boundary issues and give practical advice on how to resolve conflicts in all relationships...parent-child, spouse-spouse, friend-friend, etc. I firmly believe that this book is vital for people who desire to have Godly, healthy relationships. When my children are mature enough to read & understand this book, I will definitely encourage them to read it. I believe that it will be helpful for my children as they prepare for adulthood and also as they begin searching for a mate. I highly recommend this book for everyone who is in the midst of relationship trials & tribulations.


Practical Advice   November 9, 2003
Kirk Lashley (Chicago, IL, USA)
124 out of 136 found this review helpful

Recently I'd reached a stage of being overwhelmed by life; I'd been recommended several books, and I read "Boundaries" as the first one, the others being "Ordering Your Private World" by Gordon MacDonald and "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. After reading Boundaries, I have come to terms with my own inability to set personal boundaries and I took ownership of my own choices which I have made.

On reading several negative comments about the book, I notice the persons complain of things that are actually not promoted in the book - there is a balance that is actually promoted, that boundaries are not an excuse to say "No", as irresponsibility is warned as another extreme of boundaries and goes against biblical principles. Some persons complained that people didn't seem to like them after they established boundaries, "Bonding first, boundaries second". Like any concept it could be taken to an extreme. I should warn that without a strong biblical background or the support of a group these concepts could easily be misapplied and used as weapons (boundaries are not weapons) instead of defenses to protect who we are.

The risk of misapplication of the concepts does not negate the fatc that this book is biblically sound, and promotes healthy relational concepts -- if applied correctly.


Tremendous!   May 31, 2000
46 out of 49 found this review helpful

I discovered the boundaries method when I took a class on Townsend and Cloud's "Healthy Changes." It has absolutely changed my life. Although I am pretty assertive and do express my boundaries to others, this book has helped me with another problem: not second guessing myself. Often I would make a decision and find the people around me getting upset over what I had chosen.

The boundaries book helped me understand that I own my own life and the opinions of others are not my responsibility. Nine times out of ten, the "opinions" I was getting from others turned out to be nothing more than manipulation in disguise, and an attempt to get me to cave in. I would not cave in, but I would feel very guilty about it for months to follow. No more.

I highly recommend this book to Christians and non-Christians, as the book emphasizes the exemplary relationship between God and humanity. It proves, once and for all, that true Christianity is not a religion. It's the ultimate relationship.